Life is full of surprises. It’s up to us if we’ll percieve it as something wonderful or something to despise for.
I have too many thoughts flowing in my head so I think this is the right time to spill some of them out. It’s been a long time since I’ve written something like this (apart from the essays in school) Honestly, I feel more sincere writing alone and during night time (often) Anyway, if you don’t feel like reading something dramatic or lonely, just step away right out of this page.
People often say that time would make the pain go away, but for me, no matter how long did it take for the past to keep its distance from the present, there are still little pieces that would take you back. It would always give you that “sayang dapat pala di ko ginawa yun.” feeling or otherwise.
I am not that chic or fab type of girl nor a nerdy or brainy one. I’m just plain. I feel ordinary and it’s just that. Sometimes I liked myself, sometimes I don’t. I’m not expectant of someone to like or love me because I was not expectant of myself either, but hey life somehow proved me that it’s full of surprises.
When people fall, some fall slowly or right away. I was neither of the two. I’m unaware and I didn’t care either. I felt really happy by then. Promises, pinky swears, I’m not familiar to those but who would’ve thought. I promised, swore and loved. But just like surprises, the magic and fun fades away. I doubted, we fought, I asked myself ‘why?’. But I thought, I can’t blame him those times. Maybe he had reasons, and I had too. Maybe it’s not just right and we are not those we thought we would be.
Sometimes, we just can’t blame people for breaking promises because it’s better to break it right away than to hurt someone further. We don’t lose the ones we love, we let go of them. We just can’t lose someone who had that space in our hearts and gave so much to remember. We are young and confused about the idea of love, about the perfect idea of someone.
I got mad because I got hurt. But far from that I thought to myself, what would that even do? It would only remind of the good things we had, not because I wish we shouldn’t have had them in the first place but because I know we won’t be able to have it again, but regretting wouldn’t help too. It’s just a matter of how we would look at those times as something beautiful and worth keeping.
Some say ‘I’d rather be heartless than heartbroken.’ (sounds not only brutal but plain stupid) When we experience loss and pain, we hold grudges and wish for that person to give back what he or she has taken from you. But that’s the most beautiful part in leaving, letting that person keep that little piece of you. I would not ask you to give back what you’ve taken. It’s all yours. Somehow, I see maturity isn’t having the urge to hurt back people. I don’t regret what’s gone, but rather be thankful.
Keep a part of me with you always. Maybe unconsciously, in happiness, in pain or anyhow. For I know that if I’ve given a little piece of me, I would be able to fill that space with new beautiful ones that would make me whole again.
We are young and we tend to find our own ways to keep some things up, but if time and fate doesn’t allow to, then so be it. By the right time, we’ll be whole again. Whole and strong enough for somebody out there who is truly right for us.
Since I was a child, I never really loved the rain. I felt scared right first at thunder and lightning. Hurriedly, I’d close my eyes then cover my ears after hearing horrid roaring sounds. It always gave me a feeling that I would be eaten up (until now that I’m already 15). Sometimes, when the rain is only pouring little, I don’t get scared. I get lonely. The rain has a great impact to me. I don’t know, sometimes feeling down is worse than fearing the skies roar. I feel empty inside and somehow, brings back old memories that would never come back. But far from my dramatic side, I felt happy seeing the skies pour it down on that day that I was with my bestest friends. The clouds are pouring really heavy and we thought of rushing through the pouring rain. It was one of the moments when I felt alive. The thing that once made me dramatic, scared and all, made me youthful and jumpy. I didn’t imagined it either. (really, it felt like magic) We walked down the streets not minding our ‘wet look’ (kuno haha) faces. The rain lasted for more than an hour which made time for the three of us to still play. I didn’t also expect that that kind of weather that day, simply brought the guts in us to also talk about our lives, dramas, plans and other things which brought up to a deep conversation. On that day, I was awaken by the fact that I’m in love with these people. (not in a gay or lesbian manner) I’m in love with the prescence of them, the beauty of their thoughts, their urge to help me overcome my fear, the time they’ve given to listen to me. This made me see that there are still people who can value your time more of what you deserve, that there are people who don’t give up on you even if you’re hella-not-really-understandable at most times and most of all, that falling in love isn’t simply associated with one person on lover, but with the simple things that life is giving. I know that this friendship is something that will last, and I’m sure with that. We may go partways but somehow, that love will always help us find our ways together for it is real.
It’s almost 1:00 ○_○
I THREW A GRAPE IN THE AIR TO CATCH IT IN MY MOUTH BUT IT WENT TOO HIGH AND HIT THE CEILING AND THERE WAS A SPIDER THERE AND THE SPIDER FELL AND SO DID THE GRAPE AND THEY BOTH LANDED ON MY FACE AND I STILL HAVEN’T STOPPED SCREAMING
I didn’t look for you
I found you
And when I lost you
That’s when I started finding